The more a person thinks they have to hide their fear and shame the more they try to control their environment. This is one way narcissism snowballs and harms all involved, whether those included in the circumstances are there by choice or not. But control will not rid you of fear and shame as many people wrongly believe.
Letting Go of Control
Fear-based Reasons for Control
The illusion of control of one’s environment, be it things or people, is fear-based, not love based. It will wear away at the soul of the controller until we are only a shadow of what we might have been. This behavior always has the same ending. It always fails. Then it becomes a repeating “set up for failure” until we are able to break from the behavioral rut in which we find ourselves.
Relinquishing the illusion of control is one of the greatest gifts we can give ourselves and those around us. It also opens us to one of life’s biggest mysteries, which is that only when we let go of expectations can the wonderfully unexpected appear.
VIA Dr. Ken Druck
The Frustration Begins at Birth
When we’re born, we come into a world that we have to learn to navigate. We have to learn to talk, walk, eat, and for some, fight to survive. That’s when the battle for control starts for most people. If we add a dysfunctional home to the mix wherein people grow up exposed to trauma on a regular basis, that’s a recipe for control freaks to flourish.
What is the Culture of Our Homes?
- Do we teach our children to think freely and independently or are they told what to think?
- Do we teach our children to love and respect each other as they expect for themselves? Or are they taught to hold judgement over those who don’t live up to a certain set of ‘standards’?
- Have our children learned to help those in need when they are able or are they taught to cruely shun those judged as ‘less than’?
The Point of Finger Pointing
As judgmental as some people may be, we rarely realize that while one finger is pointing towards the object of our control, there are four more fingers that point back at us. That might seem like a simplistic statement, but think about it a little further.
No human being is capable of comprehending that which they cannot perceive. So, it follows that if we see a quality in another person, that’s a quality we possess. In other words, we have to possess the quality to be able to recognize it in another person.
This makes it important to look in the mirror when we feel these strong urges to control our environment and those around us. Instead, look inward to see what behavior might need re-working.
Get Off the Defensive and Let Go
First, it takes us off the defensive and relieves us of the need to control, if even for a moment. When we deal with our own fears and find ourselves healing from them, we naturally feel less need to control others. Why? Simply because we’re not in as much fear.
When we look inward to face and deal with our own behaviors, we tend to get smarter about our interpersonal relationships. That’s when we naturally seek less control and begin to feel good about it.
When we do, let’s be certain to also pamper ourselves with patience. We are all a work in progress as together we light the way. 🔥
Cover Image: Hills Pet