Susan’s Back Story

My story is a long one that spans 65 years, so this is a brief introduction to why I manifested this website and why I write. First, I want to thank you so very, very much for visitng my site and reading my blog.

It is my hope that you add your voice to mine so that together we light the way through trauma as we heal and manifest our beautiful lives with spirit, mind, and body balance.

My Story Spans 65 Years

What Happened

My story begins in the dysfunctional home of my youth. I fought against the sick games. I stood up to them over and over and over again. But in the end, at the age of 16, I gave up and started drinking and didn’t stop for 27 years. So, basically, I gave up on myself the first time at the age of 16.

As an adult, I attended several treatment programs designed for alcoholics which helped with the compulsions temporarily but it was nothing more than a temporary band-aid for me. All the while, I suffered emotionally, physically, and financially until I was able to break away to find my peace.

When it Started

I first remember these dark feelings at the age of six years old that I now have the knowledge to attribute to my PTSS. Throughout my life, I endured many labels of shame imposed on me by both my family and ‘certified therapists’ and the labels of shame imposed by many other societal systems  — all of which I now know are not true.

It isn’t me — it’s what happened to me. As I am relieved of my stress, I am relieved of my life-long compulsions. Things in my life are much clearer now due to the “clearing away” of the never-ending panic and drama that always surrounds those feelings.

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Scapegoating

Scapegoating – Singling out one child, employee or member of a group of peers for unmerited negative treatment or blame.

It is important to note that my mom was my physical and emotional abuser which began when I was six years old. But, going back a little farther, my mom experienced tragedy and trauma while barely a teenager which shaped the rest of her life and affected all those around her. I realized when I was about 14 or 15 years old that there was something seriously out of balance with my mom. I tried to point this out to people but no one listened of if they heard me they were unwilling or believed there was nothing anyone could do about it. We all know the stigma attached to mental health by our society.

I am the ‘scapegoat child’ in my family which started at age six and continued until I became aware and slowly started to disassociate with some family members simply because they couldn’t see their own actions against me. It started with my cousins feeling sorry for me when I was a child so they continued to weigh their own happiness against mine and by so doing they were able to determine that they were better off so … they must be “just fine”. Unfortunately, they continued to do this throughout their adult life as well.

The same behaviors formed with my younger half-brother and sister as they got older, except they were taught that I deserved what I got and that there was something “wrong” with me. That was how my mother hid from others the things she did to me until she passed. My younger brother and sister still think that’s the truth to this very day and that’s why they are no longer in my life.

Triangulation

While trying to understand my own challenges, I naturally became aware of how closely related to her challenges they were. But, when I tried to talk to her about it, she thought I was mean to her and spread yet another blown up, vicious tale to the rest of the family which they eagerly lapped up and continued to hold me in the usual judgment du jour out of their own inability or unwillingness to look clearly at what was happening right in front of them. Mom was often really nice when she talked to me but behind my back it was another story and I didn’t realize until after she passed just how extensive her triangulation skills had become.

Triangulation – Gaining an advantage over perceived rivals by manipulating them into conflicts with each other.

Through my own efforts, I’ve found the truth I sought after since my early twenties when I first became aware that I reacted differently to events than most of my friends. I knew I had been negatively affected by my childhood but was walking in the dark with no direction. Either it affected me more or I am the most courageous of five siblings to be able to “admit” because my siblings claim to be “just fine”. ~Wink~

People like myself with Post-traumatic Stress Syndrome don’t talk about these things to anyone. Ever. It’s only now, after all these years, that I’ve found my voice. I am so tired of being quiet. I must let my voice be heard at last.

With Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR), meditation, healthy eating, and exercise, I gained a whole new perspective on life. I continue to grow and heal daily. I am a work in progress.

Now, I will let nothing stand in the way of my light shining brightly for all to see. If you’re interested, join me on this journey and together we will see where this bright light leads. 🔥

“I’m not dimming my lights, I’m just going to hand you some shades.” Lisa Nichols
🌀🔥🌿

Other Posts You Will Enjoy:

The Trauma of Forced Deportation

Let It Go; What does that mean?

My Life was Shaped by Perpetrators