My Story; 64 Years
My story is a long one that spans 64 years, so don’t expect to know everything from one post. This is a brief introduction to why I created this blog and why I write. Thank you for your attendance. If you identify with anything I write and want to contact me, leave a comment below or use the handy Messenger service on this site.
My story begins in seriously dysfunctional home on many levels. I fought against the sick games. I stood up to them over and over and over again. But in the end, at the age of 16, I gave up and started drinking and didn’t stop for 27 years.
As an adult, I attended several treatment programs designed for alcoholics which helped with the compulsions temporarily but it was nothing more than a temporary band-aid for me. All the while, I suffered emotionally, physically, and financially until I was able to break away to find my peace.
When it Started
I first remember these dark feelings at the age of six years old that I now have the knowledge to attribute to my PTSS. Throughout my life, I endured many labels of shame imposed on me by both my family and ‘certified therapists’ and the labels of shame imposed by many other societal systems — all of which I now know are not true.
It isn’t me — it’s what happened to me. As I am relieved of my stress, I am relieved of my life-long compulsions, just—like—that.
A few years ago, my mother passed away in the pain and trauma of self-loathing and disappointment that the children she held up as her “golden children” were the ones who, in the end, wanted to “put her away.”
High-functioning – A High-Functioning Personality-Disordered Individual is one who is able to conceal their dysfunctional behavior in certain public settings and maintain a positive public or professional profile while exposing their negative traits to family members behind closed doors.
I was not among those. I knew she needed mental health care and I was willing to support her to a better quality of life, even though she was my lifelong perpetrator.
I’d known for a long time that my mother needed professional help. Unfortunately, I was the only one of five children who was willing to take a look at that.
I lived with her during the last two months of her life and I watched her lose her will to live. She had surrounded herself with alcoholic, adult children of alcoholics, and narcissistic ‘friends’ who all “looked good”. They were not good. Not in my opinion.
The sad part is, it was all she knew her entire life and she would not be told otherwise.
Scapegoating – Singling out one child, employee or member of a group of peers for unmerited negative treatment or blame.
I was the ‘scapegoat child’ so, in her mind, she couldn’t possibly take any direction from me about therapy that – even at her age (therapy at this age is NOT usual) – she could have resolved so many difficult issues that had plagued her all her life.
I asked her to get help for the last 25 years. When I did, she thought I was ‘mean to her’ and spread yet another blown up, vicious tale to the rest of the family which they eagerly lapped up and continued to hold me in the usual judgement Du Jour out of their own inability or unwillingness to look clearly at what was happening right in front of them.
Triangulation – Gaining an advantage over perceived rivals by manipulating them into conflicts with each other.
Through my own efforts, I’ve found the truth I sought after since my early twenties when I first became aware that I reacted differently to events than most of my friends. Of course, I had already been negatively affected by my childhood. Either it affected me more or I am the most courageous of five siblings. My siblings all claim to be “just fine”. ~Wink~
People like myself with Post-traumatic Stress Syndrome don’t talk about these things to anyone. Ever. It’s only now, after all these years, that I’ve found my voice. I am so tired of being quiet. I must let my voice be heard at last.
With Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR), meditation, healthy eating, and exercise, I gained a whole new perspective on life. I continue to grow and heal daily. I am a work in progress.
Now, nothing stands in the way of my light shining brightly for all to see. If you’re interested, join me on this journey and together we will see where this bright light leads. 🔥