I’ve personally experienced anxiety and the resulting compulsive behavior most of my life. This is a bit of my story. I hope that it helps someone who experiences similar circumstances.
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As a child, I was expected to get married and have babies. Not go to college. Not run a business. Not have any measure of success that wasn’t given to me by a man. I tried through three marriages by the time I was thirty to do what was expected of me. It never felt right because it never was right.
My mental illness that developed within me as a child because of what happened to me was increased ten-fold as an adult simply because I continued to believe the lies of the low expectations that were dealt me by an extremely over-protective, violent, and emotionally abusive family.
Gaslighting – The practice of brainwashing or convincing a mentally healthy individual that they are going insane or that their understanding of reality is mistaken or false. The term “Gaslighting” is based on the 1944 MGM movie “Gaslight”.
As an adult, I was gaslighted for decades as “she’s not smart”, “there’s something is wrong with her”, “she’ll never amount to anything”, and my personal favorite, “C-R-A-Z-Y”. Those were the people I trusted the most, so naturally, I believed them. That is no longer true.
At the age of 62, when my siblings took most of my inheritance after my mother died, I went to a neurologist and had my brain tested. I was told by the neurologist that there is absolutely nothing wrong with my brain. In fact, I scored high in intelligence and resulting capabilities.
Emotional Blackmail – A system of threats and punishments used in an attempt to control someone’s behaviors.
The neurologist told me that I was simply “Very, very, stressed out and if you weren’t stressed out after what you’ve been through, then there would be cause for concern”. So now, I’ve been diagnosed with PTSD, depression, and anxiety. But, those Dis-Eases are treatable. And, the good news is, I get better everyday.
And, as for my self-medication, (which was how I dealt with the confusion, pain and deep sorrow that I carried inside me for decades), when my anxiety subsided as a result of therapy, my compulsions subsided.
If you identify with my experience(s), if you have a comment or questions – whatever – let me know. I want to hear from you. I care because together we light the way.
Together we light the way